Mother’s Week 2021: Day 4

By Janelle Yau

Many mothers have said being a mother is the best and most rewarding job there is, but it is also the most challenging thing you will ever do. And I couldn’t agree more.

Motherhood for me has been a process of letting go of control and learning to trust God each step of the way as motherhood is full of unexpected things and constant change. And I am not one who likes change.

After 12 hours of labor, the last thing I wanted or expected was to have an emergency C-section, be put under general anesthesia and wake up completely confused and disoriented as to whose baby was crying only to find that that baby was mine. Weeks and weeks of trying to get my son latch with non-stop, inconsolable screaming from 1-5 am was beyond exhausting, discouraging and frustrating. The extreme sleep deprivation and anxiety kept building and building and deeply affected my ability to be alert, think straight, relate to others and just be present to everything. Every part of being a mother was so hard and overwhelming. I felt like I was failing on all sides.  

It was never my dream or even intention to be a stay-at-home mother, but after weighing our limited options, my husband and I decided I would stop work indefinitely to stay home and care for Jeremiah. I didn’t realize how much motherhood broke every part of me. My identity was completely shattered as I realized how much my worth was attached to what I do. My doctorate degree and a job that I loved was put on hold to instead change a lot of stinky diapers, act as a milking cow, and do loads of laundry, etc.  

Anxiety tripled when I found out I was pregnant with Micah when Jeremiah was 8 months old. It was a huge turning point for me because I realized I could no longer do this on my own and out of my own strength.  I cried out to God in the middle of the night, but I wasn’t relying on Him for strength. Looking back now on Jeremiah’s first year of life, I realized that I suffered from post-partum depression. I kept trying to push through it alone, but it just was so difficult and so much and didn’t seem to get better, until I surrendered it all to God.

Janelle Yau with her husband Sam and her sons, Micah and Jeremiah.

Not only was God growing another baby inside of me, but He was doing something much deeper within my soul and spirit. God was working on me and peeling off layers of pride, selfishness and false identity and teaching me what it looks like to trust and rely on Him alone. Motherhood has been the most humbling experience, as I frequently feel like I do not know what I’m doing and question if what I’m doing is the best for my sons. Motherhood has made me rely on the Lord because He is all I have. He was the only one who knew what it was like to wake up every two hours around the clock for my infant, then wake up to a tantruming toddler, and have to keep the boys quiet during the day so my husband can work a crazy graveyard shift at night because He was with me. He alone sustained me and helped me to keep persevering.  

Looking back, the only explanation of how I got through those chaotic months was God alone. And even though my circumstances were exponentially harder going from one to two children, I was able to be more present with my boys because He alone was providing for all my needs and carrying me through. I was learning how to be yoked to God so that my yoke was easy and my burden light. God used motherhood to break me completely so that He could build a new foundation, His foundation that would last forever. And in this process of sanctification, He is teaching me how to be not only a mother but be a child and disciple of Him. I thank God and praise God for allowing me to be a mother. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Being a mother has forced me to rely on the Lord and grown me so much spiritually because I realize I can’t be a mother without the Lord’s help and guidance. I thank God that He continues to use my children to humble me and teach me more about His unconditional love and abundant grace for me. And I pray that through learning how to receive this love and grace that I will be able to freely give it out to my children.